The Neverending Story

i’ve been chewing on some events that have occurred in the past lil while, & now i’ve finally found some time to spit some back out. i apologize in advance if some of it doesn’t quite flow/make sense, a lot of this is taken from fragments/notes recorded here & there throughout my day. there are 2 accounts:

1. The Naive Samaritan
2. Rude Awakening

(WARNING: i originally thought that once i left ‘loo my posts would get shorter & less frequent, but i’ve had so much spare time @ the office this week that i’m actlly posting monstrous amounts, & more often too! hope they don’t bore anyone to death =P)

WEDNESDAY, MAY 19 2004 – The Naive Samaritan
(written while @ work)

as is often the case here @ BCIT, there were a lot of leftovers today from a corporate event held here this morning @ the DTC (Downtown Campus). @ first there were just a few pastries on the table so i didn't grab any (trying to be health conscious). then there were sandwiches (nice ones, some w/ shrimp!), then salads, pasta & potato salads, & fruit trays etc... as usual, this made me quite happy & i grabbed 2 sandwiches (didn't wanna stuff myself since i'd already had lunch for the day).

later on ppl would walk by my office on the way to the back table where the food was being kept, & the old office ladies would always say “c'mon raphael, there's lots of food! get some before it's all gone!" now i've never been one to pass on free food, & i've always taken a fair amount whenever it's been offered, but i they must’ve thought i was shy/hesitant because i was rather new @ the office (they prbbly just didn't see all the paper plates/trays in my garbage can!), & one lady actlly came up to me & made an effort to get me to eat more, saying that if I we didn't go on & eat all the food it'd just end up in the trash @ the end of the day. now those who know me will know that the idea of wasted food =( is already enough to make me “sad,” but this time it had different effect.

it'd been about 2 weeks since i started working @ BCIT’s downtown campus, & i took the skytrain to & from work everyday. pretty much every day i'd see @ least one pan-handler or a homeless person looking through garbage cans, etc... i grew up in this city, so this stuff is nothing new to me or anything, but today for some reason, something felt different...

"...it'll just end up in the garbage..."

those words kept ringing inside my head as i sat back down in front of my computer & i wondered “why the heck don't we give it to the hungry people outside??” rather than "forcing" ourselves to eat this food, why not put it to some REAL use & feed those who actually need it? w/ this motivation in mind i got up, headed over to the back table (where the ladies were complaining that they didn't have any utensils to eat their pasta salad with), grabbed a sandwich & headed outside on impulse, in search of someone to offer it to. what happened during the next few minutes was totally unexpected...

usually when i come outside for lunch breaks there are "regulars" i see all the time; the girl who crouches outside the 7-11 on Seymour, the guy who sits cross-legged w/ a cap in front of him along Dunsmuir, but today for some reason there was no one in sight! I walked around for like 10 minutes w/ this sandwich, astounded that i couldn't find a single person asking for money, picking up pop cans, or going through garbage bins in the alley. now i really didn’t wanna seem too patronizing or anything like that, so although there were some “worn out” looking individuals walking around, when they didn’t make eye contact w/ me or seemed like they were headed somewhere, i didn’t wanna just walk up to them assuming they’d want food! i mean, that could be interpreted as an insult, & i wanted to make sure that i gave it to someone who was really in need (yeah i know, how can you really tell? but still, this was a spur of the moment thing…). but today out of all days, a day when i had food to give & was willing to give, why couldn't i find anyone? i even said to myself: “ok God, it’s up to you, make me cross paths w/ someone that i can give this to…”

as i continued wandering around, scanning the streets (almost desperately), something rather obvious came to mind; every day these past 2 weeks, each time I went to work, i passed these people by w/o a thought, & now when i finally decided i wanted to do something to help them, i couldn’t! how ironic is that? God calls us to be ready at ALL times, it’s really not up to us to decide “ok, I’m ready to give now, I can spare a few moments…” we’re full of excuses. i mean, technically, i ALWAYS have something to give (time/money/care/prayer), but we’re just always “too busy”, “too forgetful”, “too etc…”, even when the need is right in front of us. the need is there, and the need is urgent. although i guess it’s better to be willing sometimes rather than to be unwilling all the time, we run the risk of being too late. we’re taught so often to “seize the moment/day”, but always in a context where we’re “seizing” things/opportunities for ourselves. how different would the world be if we “seized” every opportunity to help someone else w/ the same vigor & enthusiasm as if we were capitalizing on something for ourselves? i wonder…

neway, i’d given up & was walking back towards my building when i saw a lady holding a bunch of old paper shopping bags n stuff, picking up garbage scraps out in front amongst a bunch of young people smoking outside the front door. “great!” i thought, so I went up & told her that i worked for bcit & that we'd just had an event & that there was some leftover food. i asked her if she'd like a sandwich, said that i'd brought it outside to give away to somebody who wanted it (security's pretty tight b/c they don’t want ppl coming in/out who aren’t clients/students). she had a blank expression on her face as she mumbled thank you, & i placed it in her hands. her speech was choppy & fast, she had the look & features of a drug addict, & when i caught a glimpse of her arms my suspicions were confirmed. she seemed genuinely thankful, & i was glad that i was able to help. she kept talking & while i was listening to her talk she kept moving around, picking up garbage & stuff. she went on about some stuff for a while & i just stood there & listened for a bit as she kept rambling & moving around. then, all of a sudden as i was saying bye & i was turning to head into the building, i looked @ her hands & the sandwich was gone! she definitely hadn't eaten it while she was talking to me or i would've noticed, & i wondered if maybe she’d put it in one of her bags while i wasn't looking, but it wasn’t. then i rmmbrd that there was a garbage can she was circling while she was talking to me & stuff, it was like 3 feet away. i thought to myself...did she throw it away?! i looked back at her, she was still mumbling as she walked away.

i've heard stories about ppl offering to buy homeless ppl food instead of giving them money, & almost every time they’ll only want cash, (sometimes they won’t accept food cuz they gotta be careful what they eat cuz they don’t have healthcare coverage) for whatever reasons etc. i mean i wasn't totally shocked, but i wondered about the whole time that she kept talking to me & stuff, was she just trying to see if she could get me to give her some cash? guess I’ll never know...

i walked back up to the office, kinda shaking my head @ what had just happened. i tried to tell myself that she hadn’t thrown it away, that she’d just put it in her bag or something & i didn’t catch it, but still, I couldn’t help but feel bad. not just cuz food had gone to waste, but the fact that even though I’d given it to someone on the street w/ good intentions, in an effort to NOT waste it, i had still failed. but, once again i didn’t see where she’d put it, so I could only hope for the best.


however, humanity would have one more opportunity to redeem itself in my eyes today...

i was walking down the stairs from the 2nd floor after work, heading home, & as i looked through the large glass panels that run the length of the building i saw a girl (prbbly around my age, 20-something) sitting on the sidewalk, cap held out, cowering & looking up hopefully @ pedestrians as they walked by. ahh I thought, where had she been earlier? i instantly thought of the sandwiches upstairs; were they still there? had someone thrown them out? i hesitated @ first (it had been a long day & i wanted to go home), but after pausing on the steps for a few seconds, i turned around & ran back up to the office.

the table where the food had been was empty, but i managed to find a tray in my co-worker’s office w/ a single vegetarian s&wich left on it so i grabbed it (don’t worry, he wasn’t saving it!). i ran down the stairs & headed outside, saw the girl, & crossed the street while trying to suppress the goofy smile that was trying to force its way onto my face as a result of the strange excitement i was feeling inside.

i walked up, said hi, & when she looked up i asked her if she’d like a sandwich. she said thank you. i gave her a smile & said i hoped she wouldn’t mind if it was vegetarian & handed it to her. she seemed thankful & i gave her a quick grin before i turned around & headed towards the skytrain station. but before i’d even taken 10 steps up the street, a scrubby looking older guy (prbbly 30ish) caught my eye. he was walking towards me, going the opposite way, heading in the direction of where the girl was sitting. something about the look on his face made him stand out, because i know i normally wouldn’t have noticed him. he had this look, this kind of smirk/sly grin on his face that just immediately caught my attention.

as we passed by each other i wondered, & after a few steps i turned around & looked back @ the spot where the girl had been sitting. sure enough, she was up off the ground, no more sad/pitiful look on her face, & a wicked looking smile crept onto her face when the man walked up to her. they exchanged a few words, kinda smiling/laughing, & when she handed him the sandwich, i started shaking my head. then suddenly another guy appeared, then another! there were 4 of them now standing around talking & smiling. i was on the corner of the street now, about 10 metres away, making sure they didn’t see me watching as I saw them throw occasional glances my way. there were tons of other ppl on the street walkin around still so I just kinda stood there & observed them for a bit. i didn’t really have an idea as to what they were gonna do w/ the sandwich, but from where i stood i didn’t even see anyone holding it anymore. i dunno, perhaps life on the street has evolved to a point where even food can be used to achieve anti-social goals, who knows?

finally i just shook my head, crossed the street & went on my way.
i was disappointed more than anything, not hurt/angry @ having been “tricked”, just felt bad knowing that this time i saw it happen right before my eyes.

during the skytrain ride home, it occurred to me; I’d just gotten a small taste of the kind of sadness that God must feel when He sees us, so many times, blatantly abusing His grace, that free & perfect gift. times where we either throw it away as if it were worthless, or abuse it, tarnishing it & cheapening it. i’d just felt the sting twice in one day (although the first instance is still uncertain).

as disgusted as I was this afternoon (seeing their Machiavellian sneers & watching them snicker smugly), how much more painful is it for a loving father to look upon the same kind of behaviour coming from his own beloved children? makes me think of the book I’m currently reading: “What’s so Amazing About Grace?”, parts where Yancey talks about our “world of ungrace.” how terrible it is, to get this feeling after attempting to dispense grace only to be repaid with ungrace? is that any reason for us to stop showing grace though? well, ungrace never stopped Jesus.

yes, perhaps I should’ve known better. in fact i would never have been so “charitable” in the past, but i think there was a purpose in today’s events, something that i had to be made to see. the effects of some things that i do to others perhaps, things that cause pain & hurt that i’ve never been aware of. now i guess i can say i’ve got a slightly better idea...


THURSDAY, May 20 2004 – Rude Awakening

(at work again, in the afternoon)

got an unexpected call @ 0730 this morning from Diana Denton, Program head for SPCOM over @ UW. Unfortunately, she wasn’t calling cuz she missed me, but rather, she had called to inform me that I wasn’t eligible to graduate @ this summer’s convocation! long story short; i was missing 4 courses, all of which had to be above the 100-level. although i didn’t express it in my tone on the phone, i was slightly pissed. i’d checked diligently to ensure that i’d met all the group A/B reqs & spcom department reqs, but i’d somehow overlooked this one line in the calendar concerning the total number of credits needed to satisfy a 4-year general degree program.

at first i thought to myself: stupid b/s! i’ve already completed all the courses for my major n all the group A/B reqs, the way i saw it, this was just basically saying that i hadn’t paid enough money to graduate yet! details, politcs, greedy university…>=[

but in the end, hey whaddya know, God’s sending me for another ride? hafta wonder, why? i guess i’ll find out. my parents even took the news pretty well actlly. my mom started joking w/ my dad, saying how we’re lucky we found out now instead of having us all fly there, get me all dressed up for the ceremony, n then only to walk across the stage in my grad gown n everything n have the university offcials go “uh oh! sorry…” (lol, that could’ve been pretty damn funny actlly…have me get all pissed n start strangling the president, my mom would open a can ‘o whoop-ass in the audience, hahaha! ah, but I digress…)

i guess in a way it works out; i hadn’t booked my ticket back for convo yet (I was about to do it any day now), so i could save my free roundtrip ticket from HMY for the fall (that’s IF everything w/ those guys pans out as promised, still waiting to get my refunds!). my work contract ends on Aug. 20th which is perfect cuz i’ll get to make money over summer & still have a lil time to relax (guess it was a good thing I didn’t apply for the full-time positions after all). man, w/ the free plane ticket, the timing w/ my summer job, it’s almost like i’m “set-up” for a return to UW? aiyiyi…this could be scary/interesting….

it’s just hitting me now, slowly creeping up on my consciousness as I’m sitting here in my office @ work…the whole idea of having to pack up&go back to the ‘loo for one more term, 4 more courses, feels so weird…i thought it was finally over, that i’d finally be outta there?? can’t help but wonder; what does God have in store for me there? what does He intend on teaching me? or perhaps how will He test me? Use me?

it’s well over 3 months away, but the anxiety’s already hit me: where am I gonna stay? who’ll I live with? what courses to pick? how’s this gonna affect me financially? is this gonna SUCK big-time, or maybe not? only one thing is certain:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This fall...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
- THE NIPPLE RETURNS-